I got bored, so I wrote the beginning of a fake screenplay with notes by the fake screenwriter. I have a feeling the next few years will bring a lot of “apolitical” stories designed to cater to a certain vocal demographic. Anyway, without further ado:

Man Leeman and the Super-Sexy Amazons

A screenplay 

by Sullivan Neville

Foreword from the screenwriter

I don’t know how it started. How we went from “Go Ripley! Alien is the best movie ever” to “There’s a guuuurl in Star Wars!” All I know is it kept getting worse. Then Martin Martin happened. Yes, that’s his name. Martin watched Ms. Marvel 2 and his head exploded, literally. Lots of people popped after him, but Martin was the first and he changed everything. Before Martin Martin, we all thought these were just cry-babies feeling out of touch, longing for a past that never existed. We were wrong. I was wrong. There’s real science behind grown white men losing their shit ‘cause they have booboo on their feelings.

There’s long been evidence that linked high levels of lead in kids to all kinds of behavioral problems, including violent crime. That mostly went away when lead gasoline was banned in the seventies, but we now know some of the effects of lead exposure can be felt generations later. Something about lead passing itself as calcium ions… Whatever, that’s what makes certain men physically unable to cope with the existence of STRong, Autonomous Women (STRAW), even fictional ones. Their blood pressure rises until their brain can’t handle it anymore, than… pow. The last STRAW.

I know I’m missing some scientific details, but it doesn’t really matter why men’s heads explode. You can’t have people pop like that, right? I have this Army friend, Gilbert, I used to hang out with. Drinks and bad jokes, that sort of thing. Two tours in Afghanistan. That man had seen some shit, let me tell you. Gilbert went to L.A. for the She-Ra and Catra movie premiere. He didn’t pop, but the two guys sitting in front of him did, along with a good chunk of the movie theater. Gilbert lost both eyes. He spent thirteen hours in surgery getting skull fragments removed from his flesh. Everyone has their story, but Gilbert was my wake-up call. Before him, I was just a spectator in all this. When Washington passed the anti-woke bill, I knew it was necessary, but it still felt… wrong, somehow. After Gilbert, though, I realized how much work needed to be done. 

The truth is I bear some responsibility for all the dead people, lots of us do. I have a college degree. I give money to the ACLU. I have a gay friend. It’s a million small things people like me did that drove these people over the edge. If we’d known, if I’d known how fragile they were, I’d have done things differently. I tried to help, to fix things as best I can. We all did. Books were burned. Movies were burned. We mostly burned shit. Remove the triggers so men could live without the constant fear of popping. That did help, more people survived. But they had nothing to read or watch except really old stuff. Men had been discriminated against, in the most egregious way, for _decades_. They couldn’t help being fragile snowflakes. It was completely outside their control. Someone had to remedy that injustice and when the studio asked me to help create some STRAW-free content for them, I jumped on the opportunity. 

What you’re about to read is more than a screenplay, it’s my shot at redemption. Man Leeman is my way to make amends, to give back, even a little, to all the men I’ve hurt over the years with my woke bullshit.

SCENE 1

EXT. Mountaintop – Sunrise

MAN LEEMAN’s silhouette against the rising sun. He stands proud, legs spread wide, hands on his hips. The light slowly rises over his mostly naked body. His muscular thighs bulge out of his leather shorts like bread loaves in the oven. The sweat on his bare chiselled chest makes his skin look oily. He stares to the horizon in the most heterosexual way as the morning breeze of Outlandia gently blows his long blond hair back.

Without warning, a lion-like purple beast the size of a car jumps out of nowhere and lands a few feet in front of Man Leeman. The beast stands on its hind legs and lets out a terrifying roar that can be heard for miles. Man Leeman closes the distance and grabs both front legs of the animal with his hands. The strength of the beast is evident as Man’s muscles turn into small mountains, similar in shape to the mountain he is standing on.

We hear the sound of a projectile cutting through the air.  Suddenly, the beast stops fighting and falls to the ground, a long pink arrow sticking out of its chest. Man Leeman turns to look and puts his hand over his eyes to avoid the blinding sun. Emerging from behind a large rock is CLIVAJ (pronounced à la French, like visage), a gorgeous petite woman wearing a pink fur bikini, high-heel pink leather boots and a crystal tiara. Her bow is transparent, seemingly made of the same material as her tiara, and her voluptuous chest is emphasized by the leather strap holding the pink quiver behind her back.   

Why did you do that? I was in no real danger.

CLIVAJ

(Realizing her mistake)

Oh. I’m so sorry. Anyone could tell that you were stronger than the cerbora but I didn’t want you to get hurt.

MAN LEEMAN

(Straightening his posture)

Actually, this is a grasilex. The cerbora’s ears are slightly pointier and its mane is somewhat thicker at the base of the neck.

The woman’s face lights up, her gratefulness for the information is palpable. 

CLIVAJ 

Wow! You know so much! Thank you for enlightening me. 

MAN LEEMAN

There is no need for thanks. To the untrained eye, both animals are very similar. You are princess Clivaj, aren’t you? You must accompany me to the capital, there is much we need to discuss.

CLIVAJ

You are so clever. Though I am a strong and independent woman perfectly capable of making my own decisions, I feel strangely compelled to obey. Not because I fear you, but because I know deep in my heart that it is in my best interest to do as you ask. I have never felt this way before. I find it… troubling.

MAN LEEMAN

Come. We must leave before sunset.

CLIVAJ

But the sun just… Never mind.

Man Leeman and Clivaj simultaneously whistle and two saddled horse-like creatures come running from opposite sides of the mountain. One is a large white stallion with a golden saddle. The other is smaller, brownish in color, with a pink fur saddle. Man and woman each hop on their mount and slowly ride together towards the setting sun. 

Note from the screenwriter

I’ll be honest, I would never have written that scene even five years ago. At first, I thought a pink fur bikini was a bit much, but one of the producers pointed out that if the sun comes up and down all the time, there would really be no need to protect yourself from it (it’s also why no one had dark skin), and if it’s really hot, then less clothing would actually be better. Plus, there’s mobility to think of. Have you ever worn something like a robe for Halloween? Then you know long items of clothing get snagged everywhere. As for the high-heel boots, I figured the heels can lock her feet in the stirrups and the leather would protect her legs from low branches, bushes, that sort of thing. Looking at it now, especially after the Oscar, I realize how much my upbringing had prevented me from seeing things clearly… It’s not sexism if everyone is in skimpy clothes and if Outlandia was a real place, I honestly believe this is what people would wear. It’s just… basic common sense. What I needed was to get back to what brought me to screenwriting in the first place. My mentor once told me: “Don’t try to be smarter than the story. Just tell it like it is.” For the first time in my career, I feel like I’ve really done that. It wasn’t just me, of course. It really takes a village to make a movie. The casting was amazing, obviously. The producers knew what they wanted from the start. They worked on it for months before they found the perfect Midjourney prompt for Clivaj: “hyperrealistic naked Jessica Alba look-alike in a small pink fur bikini riding a ferocious triceratops down a mountain with a crystal bow with a sunset with dirt flying with rocks without clouds.” We didn’t keep the dinosaur, but the casting director found us a near perfect match. As for the guy playing Man Leeman, well, Mel Gibson recommended him, so we knew he’d be great.

SCENE 2.

EXT. REMOTE VILLAGE– DAY

The village looks remote. There is nothing but grass around the dozen or so huts forming a circle. A shape emerges on the horizon as the villagers do villager things. The villagers look up as a large dragon-shape shadow is cast over the village. It is already too late, the evil DRAGONICUS spits fire like a flamethrower all over the small village. Huts and villagers burn. Villagers scream. As the entire village is burning, Dragonicus comes around for another pass and makes it burn more. The dragon comes for a third time, setting fire to the burning fire. 

Note from the screenwriter

This scene was like a third of our budget. The producers kept saying: “Add more fire!” It was great. We were nominated for special effects for that scene. What people don’t know is – I love sharing these little bits of trivia. Everyone thinks we used Sean Connery’s voice for the dragon but it’s not him. There were some legal problems, even if he’s… you know. We had an AI mix his voice with 10% Vin Diesel. It worked like a charm. I love Hollywood.

SCENE 3.

INTERIOR. MAN LEEMAN’S HUT – DAY.

The hut is large and well furnished. A majestic bed sits in one corner facing a luxurious weapons rack on which are stored various axes, maces and swords. Two small boys with the same bleach blond hair as Man Leeman chase each other waving wooden swords. Clivaj stands in the kitchen, naked under a fur apron.

CLIVAJ

Manny! Lee! Say goodbye to your father. He must leave us to save everyone. 

MANNY AND LEE

(Together)

Goodbye, father!

Man Leeman looks at his children, then his naked wife for a moment. He grabs the longest sword from the weapons rack and, as he exits the hut, looks to his naked wife one more time.

MAN LEEMAN

I will see you soon.

Note from the screenwriter

It’s almost funny how much this scene changed over time. The first treatment I wrote had them going on adventures together, slowly growing closer and finally kissing when they were prisoners and about to be executed. Then we did some focus groups and boy, was I wrong. Young men nowadays are kind of repulsed by the whole kissing thing. I didn’t know that I guess 40 is older than I thought. In fact, they’re really not into any form of courtship. The idea of investing anything into a relationship is kind of foreign to them and that created a disconnect between them and Man Leeman. They couldn’t identify anymore. We couldn’t have that, obviously. The producer’s solution was to go straight to a sex scene. Low lighting so we’d focus on the muscles and lots, lots of sweat. Well, men didn’t like that either. “Sex is girly.” That’s the comment we got the most. It’s always amazing what you learn on the job. I struggled a bit there, I’ll admit. We tried to have Man say something during the act – “I will enjoy procreating,” something like that – but that felt awkward. In the end, we skipped them becoming a couple – it just happened, I guess – and went straight to domestic stuff, kids, cooking meals, that sort of thing. The meals were really important. That’s what people said they wanted, a hot wife that cooks meals. The focus groups didn’t give us much more so we went with that. Yes, it did pose some problems for, like, the other 99.9% of the movie if the female lead couldn’t go out of the hut but we worked around that really well, I think. My favorite part of this scene is when he leaves. “I will see you soon.” That was already a meme the night the movie came out. Is Man Leeman sad to leave his wife and children? Yes. Is he scared of fighting the big dragon? Maybe, sure, a little bit. Does Man Leeman have feelings? That’s really the question we were answering here and I think we answered it perfectly. Yes, he does, _but he keeps them to himself_. “I will see you soon.” It’s short, to the point. It’s manly. It’s Man Leeman.